Restless

Some nights I am-
Drowning in my own soul,
Words are rushed into my skull
voice silent more than ever before

They told me about the sticks and stones
I questioned if those words ever really hurt me,
especially the ones left unsaid.

With closed eyes I try to shut it out
My head turned to the side comforting its pillow
Warm drops of water escape from my eyes
sliding down my skin as the words get violent in my head

My eyelids clench closed even tighter and the thoughts parading
in my head get even louder. 
The tears get bigger and at this point

"I am not good enough"
"I have no friends"
"I am hated" 
"I am nobody"

I look forward to sleep,
as if I am submerged into deep waters

No noise.
No thought.
No feeling.

The worse part of it all is having to wake up,
and force yourself to be "okay"
Constant surrounding of people but still feeling alone.

Depression is silly to those who have never dealt with it
Judgements of social incapability
and not being able to hold a conversation for more than 5 minutes

It's draining,
restless
chronic
numbing
and more often painful

I look forward to the day I wake up
and be glad that I did.


Therese-Siulolovao A. Loko

Photo credit: Coming Up For Air, by Lane Coder.

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3 Replies to “Restless”

  1. I love YOU. Give God all your needs he will carry all your pain and strengthens you daily throughout daily challenges and obstacle! Don’t worry about other’s who dislike YOU. Do U and always remember I’m a phone call away!
    Love you so much.
    Mom

    Liked by 1 person

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